It Got Worse Before it Got Better!
In the late 90’s, my husband and I met some friends who were Seventh Day Adventists. Wendell and his wife were students of ‘The Word’ like I had never seen before. They were so filled with faith and had such a depth of understanding of the Word, that I was intrigued and allowed them to share with me what they had learned. But this time…I needed proof.
“Don’t just tell me what ‘you think’, Wendell.” I told him, “Tell me how you came to this understanding and then show me how to repeat that process for myself.” I need to know it and be able to study it on my own.
He introduced me to a new way of studying the Bible. It involved more than just relying on any one person for impartation. He taught me that until you are really ready to gain insight and understanding of it, The Bible will remain a mystery to you. He also showed me how to study history and sociology when looking to gain deeper insight into The Book of Life.
He opened my eyes to how the sciences support and prove the Bible to be true over and over again; including, Archaeology, Chemistry, Physics, Mathematics, Biology, Psychology and Astronomy.
Needless to say, I had a little more understanding. My faith in the Word was somewhat restored. I hadn’t resolved the whole church and money conversation, but I was open to learn.
I still didn’t attend any church and had very little trust in preachers as a whole. Now that I knew how to study – I didn’t see why I needed them. I began to pick topics that I wanted to understand more and I proceeded to study them. I began to learn so much on my own that I felt like I was finally making progress, spiritually. Know what I mean?
During this time, my mistrust in preachers turned into a mistrust of Christianity as a whole. There was just too much negativity in the church, in my perception. I never felt good enough or worthy. Instead I felt condemned, judged, and as though I should be afraid of God’s wrath. I just didn’t feel any ‘love’ coming from that ‘group’. Instead, I felt useless and quite honestly, in my heart of hearts, I felt that God wouldn’t want me to feel that way. Ever felt that way?
After all, I had big dreams and there was no-one in those churches who was where I wanted to be. Everyone was in need. There was lots of lack and a constant feeling that there would never be enough money, time, forgiveness, healing, good relationships, etc. There were no mentors in that environment.
I categorically rejected the ‘so-called’ Christian message and it’s self-righteous, hypocritical messengers and sought out a different method.
While it looked like I was lost and confused, this process actually helped me come to the some powerful conclusions that I hold as truth to this day. More about this on my next post…
Have you had an experience with the ‘Christian Church’ that made you question Christianity?
When I was a teenager, I began to get really excited about being a believer. I loved (and still love) my pastor and wanted to get busy doing work. However, our Pastor was young and new to our church and full of ideas that the older members were not ready for. There was a group of older ladies that gave him the hardest time and pushed back on all his innovative ideas. I became frustrated. Because I felt like we were talking a lot of talk inside the church but we had no impact on the community. I still saw boys hanging out across the street. I still saw dope dealers in the area. I lived around the corner from my church and we were not effecting them at all. This made me mad. So, I stopped applying myself as much. At the very same time The Nation of Islam was getting a lot media coverage. So I decided that I would take my Pro-Black progressive self to the mosque. Well, the grass is not always greener on the other side. I was a little more feminist than progressive for them. It was a very sexist environment and I am too opinionated for that. Needless to say, I didn't stay long. But my dissatisfaction with Islam did not make me more diligent in seeking God. I had a lot to learn.
ReplyDeleteI hear you Tcalla. We all have to take our own path. It's interesting how our dissatisfaction has a way of putting us right where God wants us. Glad you ended up in the right place! :)
DeleteHugz, Q