A little tough love from a grieving mother on how NOT to comfort someone
mourning a miscarriage
A miscarriage is one of the most painful things a
woman can experience. As I have grown through this painful process of
miscarriage, I’ve had many people come up to me and say some of the most rude,
insensitive and painful things that I am convinced that they have no idea that
their comments are not at all comforting.
Because there were so many inappropriate comments, it made
me think that this has been the norm and it is how people attempt to comfort
those who are mourning.
Initially, I would stand in shock as people attempting to
console me would say some of the most horrific things. While listening to their stories, advice, fears
and questions, I’d quietly say to myself, “How can you possibly think that what
you're sharing is appropriate for me to hear…right now? How can you ask me such
a personal question while I’m still in the throes of a devastating loss? You do realize my baby has died?”
I felt like I had just been emotionally assaulted. (And I
had). It felt like satan was using the
people I loved…the people that love me…to literally gut-punch me over and over
again every day since we lost the baby. The
sad part about it is our loved ones have no idea that they were hurting me/us. At
the time I couldn’t find the strength or courage to say anything. I couldn’t even stop them from talking.
Instead, all I could do was let go as the tears fell down my cheeks.
So, I wondered, “Why are so many people utterly oblivious as
to how their comments and questions could affect someone in my situation?”
Honestly, the whole experience after the miscarriage was a
real trip. As I cried in my husband’s arms, I said, “Someone has to say
something. How can they not know that they are hurting me? It’s bad enough that
I endured this loss, but now this! I can’t take any more of this!”
A friend said to me, “That’s why you just shouldn’t say
anything. Just keep your personal business to yourself and you won’t have to
deal with that”.
“Really? That just can’t be the answer. Don’t tell anybody
you’re pregnant, and then you won’t have to deal with this.” I said. “The
answer has to be EDUCATE! Someone has to tell the truth here. This is just out
of order and it must be addressed so that an adjustment can be made.”
As with everything I grow through, I look for the lessons. My
lesson here is that there is clearly a lack of honest, candid discussion on the
subject and the resulting ignorance causes far more harm than good.
No one wants to tell the truth. No one wants to offend. No
one wants to stand up for themselves and say what needs to be said so that we
all can heal…until today!
So, please allow me to be the one to bring the wisdom. If
not for myself, for all of the women who will follow me with the same tragic
story and then have her pain compounded by the ignorance and insensitivity
shown by those closest to her and who really mean her no harm.
This experience has shown me 2 things quite clearly:
- In times like these, many of us just honestly
and sincerely don't know what to say.
- There are a lot of women who have endured a
loss, some even many years ago, and they still are longing to be healed.
So, I’ve compiled a list of the comments, questions and
unsolicited advice that was given to me in the
1st 7 days following my miscarriage. Buckle up. Here we go.
Don't advise a pregnant woman to be
afraid to share God's good news.
“Next time wait until you are 3 or 4 months before you tell anyone.”
They’d say.
After we miscarried, this was the advice we received from
countless people. While it was well-intentioned, it is fear-based advice. (If
this advice is found in the word of God, please do share the scripture
reference.)
Sharing the news of a pregnancy is a very personal decision.
When my husband and I were deciding whether or not to share our news we asked
ourselves why women don’t share their news earlier. We learned that the most
common reason is the fear of miscarriage.
For us, we decided to not fear the worst, but to believe for
and expect the best. After all, God had just healed my body. I was no longer
taking the 6 medicines that I had been prescribed for the last decade. We were
not only celebrating our new addition but we were celebrating God’s miraculous
healing. It was our hope that those we told would agree with us and pray with
us for a successful pregnancy and birth.
Yes having to share the news of our loss was difficult, but the
word says that we overcome by the word of our testimony. What made it most difficult was not the loss
itself, but it was how everyone else responded; which is why I decided to write
this article.
Don't tell a pregnant woman you’ve had a
miscarriage.
It’s is never relevant for a pregnant woman to know that you've had one
or more miscarriages. As I was sharing my news, I had some friends tell me that
they had miscarriages before being able to successfully give birth.
I was left with the thought, “Why did she tell me
that?” My next thought was “That won’t
be my testimony!” But at the same time, in my imagination, scenes began to play
of me hearing from my doctor that we had lost the baby. That visualization
would have never been there had my, albeit well-meaning, ‘friends’ not shared
their miscarriage stories with me. It was honestly the furthest thing from my
mind.
So, remember that you are planting seeds with your words. Your
pregnant loved one may have never even considered the fact that she could
miscarry. But sharing your loss gives her something to be concerned about unnecessarily.
Don't make the miscarriage her fault.
“Next time take it easy. Don't do so much. Were you taking
your prenatal vitamins? Were you eating enough and drinking enough water? Were
you lifting and pushing things that were heavy? “
When you say things like that you are implying that had she
done those things she wouldn’t have lost her baby. Basically you are saying
that her behavior caused the miscarriage and that could be the furthest from
the truth.
The most common cause of early miscarriage is chromosomal
abnormalities. How could that ever be her fault? So don’t heap that guilt onto
her already grieving heart.
There are lifestyle choices that can result in miscarriage
as well like smoking, drug use, malnutrition, excessive caffeine and exposure
to radiation or toxic substance. These can cause genetic mal-formalities that
often result in early miscarriage. But the vast majority of miscarriages do not
fall into this category.
Don't share infertility stories with a
pregnant woman or a grieving mother.
Don't tell her how many times you were unsuccessful at getting
pregnant or staying pregnant. Your story of infertility doesn’t comfort her. If
anything, it makes her uncomfortable because she feels for you and what you had
to endure, but she is torn because she knows that it is not in her best
interest to listen to what you are sharing.
Keep in mind, your story paints a picture in her mind of
tragedy, struggle, difficulty and even impossibility. That may not be her path
at all. But our minds are so powerful that if she meditates continually on the
mere thought of your difficulty, it could cause terrible challenges for her and
her unborn baby.
You know how animals can smell fear? Well that’s because our
bodies secrete enzymes into our bloodstream when we are in fear. Those enzymes
can cause emotional difficulties for the unborn baby well into mature
adulthood.
Just ask any woman who was abused during pregnancy, if it
impacted the emotional development of her child and she’ll tell you it most certainly
did.
So, don't be the source of her fear-filled imagination. Only
speak life to her. She needs to be fed
faith and not fear.
Hearing those stories forced me to go into deep prayer,
meditation and confession to renew my mind to the fact that God’s will is for
me to conceive and deliver healthy babies and I will expect nothing less.
Don't tell a grieving mother about your
multiple miscarriages.
A mother who has suffered through a miscarriage is in a fragile
space emotionally. If she wants to try again to conceive, hearing stories of
women suffering through 4, 5 and 6 miscarriages will just make her more anxious
and fearful. Even if your end result was a healthy baby, she need not know
there were 3 babies lost beforehand. That is not comforting to grieving Mom.
Don't be the one who plants seeds of fear.
Most of the women who shared this type of account with me,
just wanted me to know that I wasn’t alone.
However, in the moment, it just made me wonder if that would
be my testimony. It also made me question who I would become after so much loss
and sadness. That is not the impression that they intended to leave with me,
I’m sure. But that’s what it did nonetheless.
Again, I had to go into prayer and confession to get those
thoughts from replaying themselves in my mind. I had to remind myself that it is
God’s will for me to be fruitful and multiply. And that every woman in the
bible who wanted to have children, did; even into their old age. I have nothing
to fear. I only believe!
Don't share miscarriages horror stories.
Don't share how painful your miscarriage was or how you had to
deliver your child at 5 or 6 months. And especially don’t tell her how you held
your deceased child after delivering it stillborn.
Even if, in the end, you were finally able to deliver a
healthy baby, no grieving mother with hopes of trying to get pregnant again
wants the thought of that planted in her mind. That is not at all comforting…it
is disturbing.
This happened to me more than once and I am still working to
uproot those images from my mind.
Don't ask invasive questions.
“Was it a boy or a girl? Did you have to deliver it
vaginally? Did I come out in the toilet?”
Can you imagine the shock and hurt that she would feel to
have to relive whatever dreadful experience she has endured, simply to satisfy
your curiosity?
For me, it was like pulling off a scab that was already healing
the pain. Your questions reopen the
wound and cause her to have to heal, not only from the loss, but now she has to
recover from your comments, and dare I say…your incredible insensitivity.
Don't tell her that you are afraid for
her.
You were afraid that she told people too soon. You are
afraid because of her age, her health history, her family history, her ability
to carry children in the future! You are just afraid for her!
For whatever reason you are afraid, own the fact that those
are your fears and perhaps not hers
at all.
Don’t pass your fears onto her. Remember
that fear has torment.
A miscarriage
is one of the most painful things a woman can experience. Women who have just
miscarried are incredibly fragile emotionally. It can often take years for a
mother to heal from this type of loss. After all, her child has died.
Deal with your own fears with the Word of God…and allow God
to heal you without bringing her into it.
Don't curse the mother or child with your
words.
Remember that women were created to be incubators. Whatever you
deposit within a woman, she incubates and produces a result based on what was
put in her. So don't deposit something in a woman’s heart that could develop
into a stronghold that works against her. That’s not love.
Also bear in mind this is a devastating time for her and her
family and you don't know what pain the mother had to go through or is still going
through (both physical and emotional).
Most people don't know that it could take a woman's body 10 days
to complete the process of mis-carrying a baby. She may still be in the midst
of the process. So be sensitive to that and speak life only.
Don't assume that she intends to give up
on the hopes of having a baby.
Your insistence that she not give up may be
unwarranted. Instead, just remind her
that she is loved and God will give her the desires of her heart. That’s what
the Word says.
Don't show her pictures of your newborn baby.
She's happy for you and soon she will be able to celebrate
with you, but realize that this is an extremely sensitive and difficult time
for her. Have a little compassion. Timing is everything. Give her time to get
stronger so that she can celebrate with you earnestly.
Don't give her any advice; just give her your love.
“Next time don’t tell anyone until its safe…3 or 4
months.” “Next time, get more rest.”
Next time take it easy.” “Next time…Next time…Next time.” If you plan to start your sentence with “Next
time”…please don't.
Don’t offer any advice. At this time, it’s not helpful nor
is it comforting. Just remind her that you love her and you are praying for her
and the family. That’s really all she wants and needs to hear.
How I Learned to Guard My Heart
At first I would just stand there in shock and listen to
their stories, advice, fears and the like. But I got to a point where I would
already be prepared to hear something awful when someone would call or if I saw
someone who had heard our sad news. Whether they were going to say something
rude or not, I was ready to defend my heart.
At the same time I was conflicted because I knew that my
attitude was not at all ‘Godly’. I was ready to lash out in anger and tell them
– “What makes you think that’s comforting for me? Or, do you really think
that’s an appropriate question? That’s just none of your business! Just leave
me alone, please!”
I knew that they meant well and clearly they didn’t know any
better. Perhaps they just didn't know what else to say.
But I also knew I had to begin to protect my heart. The word
says that our hearts are good ground and I couldn’t afford to allow thorns and thistles
to be planted in me, especially knowing that I wanted to immediately try again
to get pregnant. I had to both guard and keep the ground that is my heart. So I
had to figure out a way to get the message across that I can’t afford to listen
to any more nonsense and say it in love.
I learned that it’s ok to stop people mid-sentence if
necessary. As soon as they begin, “I’m sorry for your loss but let me tell you what
happened to me…”
I interrupt them and say, “NO! I’m sorry but I can’t hear that right now. I
can’t hear about multiple miscarriages, I can’t hear about anything negative
even if it has a positive outcome, I just can’t go there. And I can’t answer
any of your questions. Please understand. I love you and we both thank you for
your prayers.”
I see the shock on their faces and perhaps they are
offended, but I know that I have said it in love and I have to just leave it at
that. That’s my way of guarding and protecting my heart. Hopefully at some point they will understand. And I’ll be stronger soon enough.
The Second Very Important Thing I
Realized.
There was a reason
why so many women, often the ones who had endured miscarriage themselves, were
the ones who were the most insensitive. Those were the same women who
shared the most disturbing stories of loss that, quite frankly, should never be
shared with a woman in the throes of a miscarriage.
It dawned on me that
hearing of my loss gave them permission to finally share their pain. Perhaps they
too are still longing to heal from their own loss.
Enduring a miscarriage is difficult for everyone. But one
thing that people don't realize is that once a woman finds herself in a better
place emotionally, she seldom has anyone to share the details of her harrowing experience
with.
There needs to be a safe place for mourning mothers to vent
their stories of loss with the understanding that they are purging it for
CLOSURE!
There must be a place and a process that helps those women
heal once and for all. So, I decided to
create one inside of Our New Empowerment Community and Private Social Network:
WisdomSisterCircles.com. (It’s still under construction and scheduled for release
on June 1, 2012). Get on the mailing list for updates.
Words of Comfort
Here are some of the things people said to me/us that were
comforting and truly helped to build my/our faith. Often it was them speaking the actual Words of
God that made all the difference. Perhaps you can take note and speak these
words of life should the opportunity to comfort another grieving mother ever
present itself.
1)
Keep believing. You will see the end of your
faith... Trust God and only believe!
2)
He who began a good work in you will complete
it!
3)
You're
womb is blessed.
4)
A delay
is not a denial.
5)
Children
are gifts from God and he will restore.
6)
I believe
God that you'll have double for your trouble
7)
I/we love
you and we're praying for you and your family.
8)
Get back on that horse...lol! :-)
9)
God loves you and all of his promises are Yes
and Amen!
10)
All is well!
11)
Give her (them) a hug and say nothing at all.
12)
I'm here for you if you need me.
13)
Tell me what you need me to do.
14)
Don't
hesitate to call if you just need someone to listen, I'll make time for you.
15)
To let me
know I wasn’t alone, one woman whispered to me – “Now we both have babies in
heaven. We’ll see them again.” That was the most comforting thing anyone said
to me and I was grateful for that.
I pray that both my candor and transparency help you provide
more love, support and comfort for any grieving women/families in your life in
the future.
In love.,
Q
